Sam Goes Squee!
by Poaetpainter
Summary: Imagine that Sam is on crack...And there is a bovine involved
1. Chapter 1

**Ok… This is me, on crack.**

**Actually better yet imagine that Sam is on crack… yea that might work better.**

"Come on… let me drive!" Sam whinned

"Damn it Sam, I said no!" Dean countered

The brothers were driving down an old farm pasture in the middle of nowhere on their way to check out an annoying poltergeist.

"You're falling asleep behind the wheel, you're gonna get us killed."

"No, I'm not… I could drive for days on end if I wanted to." Dean smirked

"YOU HAVE BEEN!" Sam screamed causing Dean to swerve the Impala slightly

"Shit." Dean mumbled lining his car in the correct lane again

"See! See!" Sam pointed out annoyingly

"Shut up man, we'll be in town in about two hours anyways so sit back and be quiet."

Huffing like an annoyed little kid, Sam leaned back in the Impala's worn leather seats.

Closing his eyes Sam tried to think of some way to get his brother to pull over and let him drive."

"Oh shitming!" Dean screamed swerving the car violently coming to a sudden halt.

As the dust settled Sam looked over at a shocked Dean

"Did you just say 'shitming'?" He questioned

"Where the flying fuck did that come from?!?!" Dean ignored his brother and stepped out of the Impala.

Following suit and chuckling at his brother's eccentric cursing, Sam walked past the car to stand next to his clearly confused brother.

"Oh mee God!" Sam squeled running forward

"Sam, man, what the fuck! Get away from that thing! It dropped out of the damn sky!!!" Dean yelled at his brother

"Noooo. She's mine now!" Sam whined jumping on the cow that now stood still in the middle of the abandon road.

"Moo?" The cow replied to Sam who was now on her back giving her a giant hug

"Sam get off the cow!"

"Nooooo… my cow…" Sam said burrowing his face in the cow's back

"Oh god…" Dean mumbled

**I swear the cow is very very cute. Can't you just imagine Sammy riding a cow?**

**If you don't tell me how insane I am I will either:**

**Not write anymore**

**Drive you insane with this nonsense story…**

**The power is yours!**


	2. Chapter 2

"Damn it Sam, get off that stupid cow!" Dean yelled approaching his younger brother.

"Nooo…" Sam whined his eyes peering over the cow then closing as he began to nap on the cow's back.

"Moo?" The cow commented

Frustrated Dean went to the back of the Impala, reaching into their handy dandy trunk and grabbing a giant crossbow. Setting up the arrow Dean then lit the tip on fire.

"Step away from the demon cow Sammy." Dean demanded closing one eye, lining up his shot with the cow as his arrow's final destination.

"Dean leave Stewart alone, she didn't do anything." Sam replied not opening his eyes

Dean opened his other eye and released the arrow into a pile of dead leaves not 5 feet away from the demonic cow. Immediately catching fire and setting a nearby town on fire.

Dean looked at the people running around screaming and shrugged, bringing his attention back to his brother.

"Did you just call the **_girl_** cow **_Stewart_**?" He asked confused.

"Yup!" Sam answered sitting up quickly, now straddling the cow (upstairs brains people!) "Stewart use to be a bull but then a witch cast a spell on him so now he's a girl cow." Sam said proudly

"Did you talk to that fucking cow?" Dean sighed rubbing his head to rid it of the approaching tension.

"Maybe…" Sam replied shyly

"Jesus Christ Sam, can't you put the psychic crap away for a little bit?"

"Psychic crap? Oh… naw Dean, I've always been able to talk to animals!"

"See that squirrel?" Sam asked

"Oh God…" Dean mumbled lining up his bow with a new arrow.

"Chippa chip chip!" Sam squeaked in a high voice

Dean released the arrow, spearing the _chipmunk_ through the head

"Aww… you killed Mr. Squirrel." Sam pouted

"First of all it was chipmunk, not a squirrel, and second you're a fucking retard."

"Your mean!" Sam cried

"Giddy up Stewart!" He yelled at the cow. Who just stood there

"Moo?"

"I said giddy up bitch!" Sam began nudging the heels of his boots into the cow's side.

"Moooooooooooooo!!!" The now deranged cow proclaimed bucking Sam of its back

"Heyyyy." Sam said from the ground, rubbing his now sore ass (hehehe Sam's ass…)

"Told you it was demonic." Dean said now scrounging around the trunk of the Impala looking for something to kill the evil cow with.

"Ah ha!" He proclaimed, presenting a 6ft long stick with a large axe blade attached to the end.

Getting off the ground, not bothering to dust himself off Sam walked in front of the cow, crouched down and looking straight in its eyes said: "You brought this on yourself Stewart; I asked if I could have some milk and you said 'moo'. I just wanted some milk…" he said bawling

"Yo Dean, throw me that blade." Sam said, immediately stopping his emo moment.

Dean looked at the large weapon in his hands. "I call it Sparky" he mumbled

"Fine, throw me Sparky…" Sam said, now bored

Smiling at his brother's reference to acknowledging Sparky, Dean threw it to Sam's outstretched hands that then caught it.

Sam jumped on 'Stewarts' back wielding 'Sparky' above his head looked at Dean.

"Who wants milk…?" he asked his brother

"Dead milk!" In a large swooping motion the blade came down on the cow's neck with a squishy slapping noise.

"What the…" Sam asked looking at the dead trout in his hand

"You can't kill me, I'm a magical cow!" Stewart yelled.

**TBC**

**The cow is in reference to an online comic called Tomorrow's Nobodies**

**I think I need to post this disclaimer so I don't get in trouble**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but Stewart (and he is a spin-off of an online comic that I don't own)**

**Ok the cow belongs to Tomorrow'sNobodies**

**Warning: Animal Harm and cursing**

"_Who wants milk…?" he asked his brother_

"_Dead milk!" In a large swooping motion the blade came down on the cow's neck with a squishy slapping noise._

"_What the…" Sam asked looking at the dead trout in his hand_

"_You can't kill me, I'm a magical cow!" Stewart yelled._

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Both Sam and Dean looked at each other with their mouths hanging on the ground.

"_What?!?!_" Sam looked down at the cow who was trying to look at him but failing because, well… cows' heads just don't turn that way.

"Aww fuck." The cow mumbled

"That's right I can talk… and I will grant you ten wishes." He continued

"Ten? I thought it was always three. You tryin' to compensate for something there buddy?" Dean asked smugly

"_Dean_ Shut the _Hell_ up!" Sam whined from atop the cow.

"He ain't the smartest is he fatty?" the cow asked Sam

"Nope. But I gotta deal with him… something about us being brothers… and I'm not fat. Sam said sticking his chin out

"Hey!" Dean exclaimed

"Shut Up" both the cow and Sam said together

"Oh I see how it is… first it was college, then it was Jessica, and even that Meg bitch. But oh no Sammies! This takes the cake!

Choosing a _cow_ over me!" Dean began crying and ran to the trunk of the Impala

Sam and the cow just shared a glance before Dean grabbed a shotgun (with iron rounds) and shot Stewart between the eyes.

The cow stayed stuck in it's standing position with a now blood covered Sam sliding slowly off it's back.

"You... Shot... My…Cow!!!!" Sam yelled running towards his brother.

"Why… Did… You... Shoot... My. Cow?!?!?!" He demanded 3 inches away from Dean's face

"Demon." Dean said simply turning back to the Impala and getting into the driver's seat

"Oh fuck you! Stewart was just your normal talking wish giving cow!" Sam yelled pointing at where the cow was still standing.

Dean looked at Sam with a "God how are we related look."

"Oh." Sam said realization dawning.

"Get in the car Fatty, and put a tarp down first or change your clothes first because your covered in 'Stewart Brains'.

Sam looked down.

"Ewww."

**Ok… So I'm probably going to burn in Hell for this one but I had to post something and I didn't want to think too hard (exploding of brain) and work on my other more sensible stories so here is a cow getting shot.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but Stewart (and he is a spin-off of an online comic that I don't own)**

**((The hilarious comic is Tomorrow's Nobodies))**

**Warnings: Cursing and Animal Harm (like really… animal harm.)**

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"_Get in the car Fatty, and put a tarp down first or change your clothes first because you're covered in 'Stewart Brains'._

_Sam looked down._

"_Ewww."_

**Back in the Impalaaaaaaaaaa!**

"Dude, get over it. It was just a cow." Dean said to Sam

Sam was completely curled against the passenger side door, slowly clawing at the window with pools of tears running down his face.

"MY COW!" he cried… and began crying some more… (God what an emo...)

They had driven off after Sam had changed from his Stewart the cow's brain/blood soaked clothes.

But not before Dean got to do something he had always dreamed about doing.

**35 minutes before**

Sam was changing behind the Impala while Dean was checking out the still standing dead cow that he had shot. I mean… DEMON cow… yes…. Demon…

…It was evil… probably

"eww eww eww eww!!!!!"

Sam squealed holding the bloody clothes with his thumb and forefinger, debating on whether or not he was going to chunk it at Dean's cow-killing face.

"STEWART!!!" he cried again…

"Sam shut the hell up!" Dean screamed from the other side of the car.

Sam cried some more.

"Dude… I should have gotten one of those damn wishes you were going on about… get rid of the girl inside of him…" Dean said referring to Sam, while walking right up to the cow.

"So here we are. And you're dead. But before we go my bovinic friend I have one thing to add." Dean said

**AUTHOR NOTE: HERE IS WHERE DEAN GETS TO DO THE DREAM THINGY!**

Dean placed both hands slightly apart on the cow's side, standing with both legs firmly planted.

He closed his eyes…

"One…" Dean rocked back a little, then forward pushing on the cow.

"Two…" He repeated the rocking

"Three!" Dean exclaimed pushing as hard as he could against the dead cow.

The cow's body had already become hard with death, and with the final push DEAN TIPPED OVER A COW!

A loud thump noise…

Stewart fell on his side without his legs moving, still pointing outwards as if he was standing on upside down air.

"YES!!!" Dean yelled jumping up and down

"Man, I've always wanted to do that…" Dean said wiping the tears of happiness from his eyes.

"What was that noise?"

"Shit" Dean mumbled

Sam's head poked around the side of the Impala and rested on his seemingly jubilant older brother (who _should_ be morning Stewart by the way) and then to the cow in question.

"NOoooooooooooooooooo!!" Sam yelled running forward in a clean t-shirt and boxer shorts.

"dude…" Dean exclaimed turning away from his brother

"First you shoot my magical wish giving cow…" Sam said evenly

"Yeah…" Dean interrupted smugly turning to the overturned cow

"Then you PUSH HIM OVER?!?!" Sam screamed

"What the hell is wrong with you?!???!" Sam asked running towards Dean

"Dude, it was a cow… just standing there. It **wanted** to be pushed over!" Dean defended

"It was dead! You killed it! Then you desecrate the body?!" Sam asked

"**It… was… a… cow…**" Dean said slowly

"I always wanted to tip a cow…" he continued

"But why MY cow?" Sam cried (jeez…)

"Sam, shut up, put some pants on, and get in the car." Dean called walking back to his car

Sam sniffed, patted Stewart on his side and walked back to the car to put some pants on.

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"Hey Dean…" Sam called from the trunk

"What?" Dean asked stepping around the car

THWACK!

Sam's bloody clothes hit him in the face, slowly sliding down his torso and then falling into a heap on the ground between his feet.

Sam was grinning like a moron for his successful revenge, but then his smile slipped as he saw Dean's expression.

"Sam… if we are going to have a war with cow entrails, I'm gonna saunter over to your buddy Stewart over there, cut him open, and then shove one of his fucking stomachs down your throat… You want me to do that?"

Sam's face turned completely white and he slowly shook his head 'no'.

"Ok then…" Dean cleaned himself up and they both drove past the dead cow.

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**35 Minutes later (present… from the beginning, oh you get it.)**

Sam looked out the car window, and then looked back at Dean.

"I miss my cow…" Sam said sadly

Dean sighed and took his hand off the wheel and began scrounging around behind Sam's seat.

"Here…" Dean said dropping something into Sam's lap

It was a soft, fuzzy, plushy cow stuffed animal that had giant blue anime eyes.

Sam held the cow up to his neck and began squealing in delight.

Dean blushed for his brother's embarrassment of cuddling a toy.

He cleared his throat.

"Squeeze it." Dean said

Sam looked at his brother oddly and then held the cow in his palm and wrapped his fingers around the plush…

"SQUEEK!!!" the toy squealed

"EEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee!!!!" Sam squealed as well, hugging the cow and now constantly squeezing it

"sque- squeak!" the toy cow proclaimed

"oh man…" Dean sighed and allowed his brother to jump around in his seat and squeak the toy.

**THE END!!!**

**TELL ME HOW I DONE!!!!**

**You all WISH you had a SQUEAKY COW PLUSHIE!!!**

**I DO TOO!!!!**

**Author runs off crying**


End file.
